20 Things That Never Happen in "Star Trek"

                   By George Rivers For David Letterman

 
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
encountered several times before.
 
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly alright.
 
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
 
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny
hat.
 
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for
which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
sick-bay.
 
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
 
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without a serious incident.
 
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
 
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
staff.
 
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
 
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
 
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
revealed to be exactly what it seems.
 
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
 
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
 
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
 
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
obvious.
 
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
Wesley Crusher.
 
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.
 
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that anyone says to him.
 
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

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